on the ice

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 http://www.strava.com/activities/99798974

  does our past create our reality? is the future our only affirmation of this alleged reality? where does the present stand in all of this? i've been a musician, a drug addict, a husband, a cyclist, now a runner. what does any of this mean? most of these identities lasted over 10-15 years. one or two over 20 years. some of them still hang around, come and go, whatever. most of my life i figured i would die with a guitar in my hand. these days it's more likely i'll give out on a long run in the woods somewhere. these identities gave me so much to hang on to for so long. they also became an anchor at times. sometimes just keeping me in one place, sometimes dragging me down to the bottom. i've spent the last year struggling with these identities. struggling and letting go. i've since realized that WHAT i do doesn't define me but HOW i do what i do does.
  this little running dialogue and script we replay in our heads about who we are, what we're good at what we suck at, all that shit. all that shit that diagnoses us as the "terminally exceptional." the shit we have to repeat to constantly remind us of who we are. how far do we have to go to stop this internal dialogue? how many times do i have to shatter everything around me that defines my world? how many? as many as it takes. i've had glimpses of this truer self. i'm standing on a sheet of ice right now wondering if i'm gonna make it across without it cracking and trapping me under. is this truer self waiting beneath the ice or on the other side of the frozen lake? he's waiting where ever i end up. only to leave hints for me to follow.
  i ran into the woods tonight only to find a frozen creek to remind me winter hasn't even began. by the time i made it to the top of my climb i was in close to total darkness. i could still make my way on the trail but once i hit the descent i had to give way and break out some light. being the eve of my weekend, i just didn't feel like playing the jedi trail runner and challenging the roots and rocks in this game tonight. live to run another trail, right?
  not sure where all these miles are taking me, sometimes it feels like one big loop but i know that's not the case. you can never run on the same path twice.

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