2013 in review

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  2013. failure, change, breakdown, loss, depression, zen, transition. i guess i could say that about any year but this one has been especially...."cleansing." cleansing probably isn't the right word unless you think of it as food poisoning of the soul. i left (and lost) a part of my life that's disappeared as if it never happened. i lost a job of 10+ years. failed at my 10 day silent meditation retreat. not to mention the almost crippling emotional effects of leaving the program early. i left cycling after almost 15 years of racing and training. that in it's self has had a bit of a domino effect on my social life. as it's also resulted in my cycling team slowly falling apart. all this and some pretty devastating financial issues. of course there some victories as well but they really pale in comparison to what my failures are bringing to me.
  while i walked away from cycling (for now, anyway) i ran toward...well, running. four, five times a week i headed toward the park by my apartment. disappearing for hours on end into the trees and singletrack. covering anywhere from 40 to 70 miles a week. some of it was training, some of it therapy, some of it meditation. at times i left my apartment knowing purpose my run would serve, other times it could change mid run. am i running to something or running from something. maybe because of something. something someone said to me. a couple of years ago someone very close to me who was going through their own "transition" said to me, 'i wish i could run. i wish i could just run and run and run. i want to know what it feels like to just run until i can't go any farther. that's the one thing i wish i could do and think about all the time.' i don't know. maybe that stuck with me. so i'm running. just to see what it feels like to just run until i can't go any farther.
  i was let go rather abruptly from a job that i had worked for over ten years. for a company that i had no respect for nor them for me. within a couple weeks i was already at a new gig. a couple weeks after that i left for another job. i've felt almost nothing during this. just gratitude for whatever it took to get me moving and reminding me who i am and that i can do this and why i can do this.
  there's the looming possibility that my living situation may be challenged in several ways that could result in a number of outcomes.   
  i'm watching and experiencing these changes. these losses. finding out what i can live without. wondering what else i can live without. getting rid of things. things i've had for more than half my life. guitars, books, clothes, bikes. starting to envision my life in a more nomadic philosophy. 
  sometimes i think about how at one point music opened the world up to me but at some point it just held me down. it was almost a prison sentence. at what point should i have turned it around sooner? what are some of the things that are holding me back form discovering more of myself and the world now? and like music, a lot of these things that were so meaningful to me a couple years ago have become nothing more than an anchor now. 
  so, i went into 2013 with some idea of what was to come and everyone of those ideas were smashed. the more i fought, the deeper i sank. the more i let go, the more the world seems to offer. for probably the first time in my life, i'm entering into a new year with absolutely no ideas or expectations. alright 2014, let's see what you got.  
 

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