Answers....
A few years ago someone I knew was going through some incredible health issues. "health issues" being a couple months out from dying. They knew this was happening and I knew it. It really just gave us an opportunity to sit and talk a little more openly than usual. One morning during this time, we were just sitting on the back porch on a late spring morning. Sun was already warming up, dew still on the grass and we're sitting in a screened in porch drinking coffee when they say to me, 'I wish I could run. I wish I could just go run and run and run until I can't take another step. When I was little, I used to love to run and that's all I want to do right now. I think about it all the time.'
This person had never been particularly athletic or anything like that nor really "outdoorsy." no more than the average person anyway, but I understood what was meant with this.
Being a recovering addict who finds a lot of relief and spirituality from cycling and running, I guess I connected very deeply with this. My transition from a life of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll (or in reality, just drugs) to sobriety and healthy living was almost entirely ushered in on a bicycle. Some of my most "confusing" days (both before sobriety and after sobriety) were spent on a bicycle. Long rides seemed to be the best cure for depression. And the loneliness of leaving behind an old "life" changed instantly to solitude by adding a bike. I also discovered how spending hours of constantly turning one's legs and feet in these small, exact revolutions can release so many repressed feelings and memories. I wouldn't dare say this made me a better person but I believe it brought me closer to my truer self. Better or not.
What started out as me buying a $60 mountain bike to deliver drugs eventually turned into a garage with 7-9 bikes and several wheelsets. all for different types of riding, racing, terrain, weather, etc. From struggling on my 3 mile commute to work, to riding and racing 150-300 miles a week and always, ALWAYS in search for the races with the biggest hills to climb. Not long after, about two years from when the 'I wish I could run....' statement was said to me, I put these bikes away. I've since sold most of them and trying to sell the rest. For some reason, after my best racing season ever, I just don't want to be on a bike. I mean, I could give lots of reasons but no real solid one. But I run. I run all the time. It's all I want to do. I just want to run and run and run....
I've tried to explain this turn from cyclist to runner to friends...myself....but I don't really have any explanation. It is what it is. To be fair, I've ran on and off for the last ten years. I started training for my first marathon in 2004 and did three or four, along with a 50k trail run and a few shorter races sprinkled in here and there but I always put it away once the weather cleared enough for cycling. Now I can hardly stand to sit on a bike much less go on another 75 mile sunday ride.
At some point my life became very complicated. Not in a bad way just living the dream, I guess. Then it kind of fell apart. Or I kicked over, depending on how you look at it. And everything from my old life, people, things, ideas, etc. just became some kind of baggage. Something holding me back. Holding me down. From what, I don't know. From truth....my truth.
I just want to run....
I spent a lot of years wasting the short time I've been given to inhabit this physical form. I can spend the rest of my life sitting and playing guitar, painting, writing but I may only have a small window to get the very most out of my physical body and I've already wasted too many decades abusing it. I also know that somewhere at the end of one of these runs I'll find the answers. And while I have no idea even what the questions are, I'll recognize the answers when they make themselves available to me. I also want to surround myself with others looking for answers so we can help each other, guide each other, support each other. I don't know where these answers are but i know where they are NOT.
There are moments on these runs where everything disappears and not only do I for that moment, become a part of the forest but the forest disappears. And BAM! I'm back. It's al back. And I'm just another guy running in the woods. Which is okay too. There's others and we know this. Sometimes I even run by someone during their "moment."And BAM! We're back. And we both know it. The answers are there. I know they are. Others know they are too. Until then I'll keep going back to the forest, the desert, whatever trails I can get to, and keep looking. And I'll see others looking too. And sometimes we share what we've found.
This person had never been particularly athletic or anything like that nor really "outdoorsy." no more than the average person anyway, but I understood what was meant with this.
Being a recovering addict who finds a lot of relief and spirituality from cycling and running, I guess I connected very deeply with this. My transition from a life of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll (or in reality, just drugs) to sobriety and healthy living was almost entirely ushered in on a bicycle. Some of my most "confusing" days (both before sobriety and after sobriety) were spent on a bicycle. Long rides seemed to be the best cure for depression. And the loneliness of leaving behind an old "life" changed instantly to solitude by adding a bike. I also discovered how spending hours of constantly turning one's legs and feet in these small, exact revolutions can release so many repressed feelings and memories. I wouldn't dare say this made me a better person but I believe it brought me closer to my truer self. Better or not.
What started out as me buying a $60 mountain bike to deliver drugs eventually turned into a garage with 7-9 bikes and several wheelsets. all for different types of riding, racing, terrain, weather, etc. From struggling on my 3 mile commute to work, to riding and racing 150-300 miles a week and always, ALWAYS in search for the races with the biggest hills to climb. Not long after, about two years from when the 'I wish I could run....' statement was said to me, I put these bikes away. I've since sold most of them and trying to sell the rest. For some reason, after my best racing season ever, I just don't want to be on a bike. I mean, I could give lots of reasons but no real solid one. But I run. I run all the time. It's all I want to do. I just want to run and run and run....
I've tried to explain this turn from cyclist to runner to friends...myself....but I don't really have any explanation. It is what it is. To be fair, I've ran on and off for the last ten years. I started training for my first marathon in 2004 and did three or four, along with a 50k trail run and a few shorter races sprinkled in here and there but I always put it away once the weather cleared enough for cycling. Now I can hardly stand to sit on a bike much less go on another 75 mile sunday ride.
At some point my life became very complicated. Not in a bad way just living the dream, I guess. Then it kind of fell apart. Or I kicked over, depending on how you look at it. And everything from my old life, people, things, ideas, etc. just became some kind of baggage. Something holding me back. Holding me down. From what, I don't know. From truth....my truth.
I just want to run....
I spent a lot of years wasting the short time I've been given to inhabit this physical form. I can spend the rest of my life sitting and playing guitar, painting, writing but I may only have a small window to get the very most out of my physical body and I've already wasted too many decades abusing it. I also know that somewhere at the end of one of these runs I'll find the answers. And while I have no idea even what the questions are, I'll recognize the answers when they make themselves available to me. I also want to surround myself with others looking for answers so we can help each other, guide each other, support each other. I don't know where these answers are but i know where they are NOT.
There are moments on these runs where everything disappears and not only do I for that moment, become a part of the forest but the forest disappears. And BAM! I'm back. It's al back. And I'm just another guy running in the woods. Which is okay too. There's others and we know this. Sometimes I even run by someone during their "moment."And BAM! We're back. And we both know it. The answers are there. I know they are. Others know they are too. Until then I'll keep going back to the forest, the desert, whatever trails I can get to, and keep looking. And I'll see others looking too. And sometimes we share what we've found.
