SOBER
16 years ago i'm standing in a pizza shop about 4:00 in the morning after close with a hand full of cash collecting blood from my hands after smashing and ripping out the plate glass window out front. a few minutes away from finding some hood rat to show me to a crackhouse. 'well goddamn, it's the pizza man.' he says.
sometimes it's hard to realize i was ever in that place but as soon as i give it a moment's thought, i'm right there on the edge. that guy is still there. waiting. always waiting for me.
from time to time i hear of one of my old junkie friends ODing or one of my old alcoholic friends finally drinking themselves to death or just finally giving out from living such shitty lives for so long. every time i hear this news i always say the same thing. "better him than me." yeah, i say that. i don't give a fuck who hears me either. getting sober wasn't easy. staying sober is even harder. someone asked me once, what the craziest thing i've ever done was and i had to tell him "getting sober." i didn't know it at the time but it's the most effective way to have everyone in your life leave in just a matter of months. or the ones that decide to stick it out want to help in your recovery by helping you take inventory of yourself. also reminding you about making amends. specifically to them. and of course by letting you know that you're still an asshole, drunk or not.
once i started stepping away from my old people, places and things, i could finally start rebuilding. letting another self evolve without the input of old voices telling you how you're not who you used to be. for me, it took around 3-5 years to start building new friendships. not very good, i mean i AM an addict. drugs or not. about 7-10 years in, some of my old friends started coming back. either they finally saw me for who i am or i saw them. didn't really matter. some were even cleaning up their own lives. there's always another connection that happens when that's the case. then the next group. all the people who keep telling me how sober they are but they still drink here and there. maybe get high a little. then they precede to tell me how they tried AA but it wasn't for them, etc.
this is being sober.
being sober is also about being broke because of paying your bills instead of buying coke. it's about getting shit done and being upset because you didn't get more done. it's about having to live and deal with the decisions, choices and actions you've made because you no longer have anywhere to hide. it's about being overwhelmingly happy with where you are because you still remember where you were.
i like to reference it to being on the titanic. some of us went down with the ship, some of us got on life boats and made it out and some are still out there in the cold water in the middle of the night. you know, it sucked, it actually fucking sucked to get out of that water and into the lifeboat. all i had to do was admit i was wrong. about everything. ever. i had to hand over my dreams. admit i was a fraud. admit defeat and give up. for a guy who's willing to argue with a guy who has a gun to his face in the middle of the projects, this isn't an easy thing to do. so i walked into the police department and turned myself in for my crimes. this is how important getting sober was for me. i was willing to go to jail for however long and go through whatever just to be away from my life. so when i hear of one of my old cohorts choosing to stay out there and keep insisting they are special. they're unique and don't have to deal with the same system of nature that the rest of us do then yes, better them than me. i've learned too many times. i will not pull you out of the water. but if you make it to the boat, i'll help you in and even give you my seat.
sometimes it's hard to realize i was ever in that place but as soon as i give it a moment's thought, i'm right there on the edge. that guy is still there. waiting. always waiting for me.
from time to time i hear of one of my old junkie friends ODing or one of my old alcoholic friends finally drinking themselves to death or just finally giving out from living such shitty lives for so long. every time i hear this news i always say the same thing. "better him than me." yeah, i say that. i don't give a fuck who hears me either. getting sober wasn't easy. staying sober is even harder. someone asked me once, what the craziest thing i've ever done was and i had to tell him "getting sober." i didn't know it at the time but it's the most effective way to have everyone in your life leave in just a matter of months. or the ones that decide to stick it out want to help in your recovery by helping you take inventory of yourself. also reminding you about making amends. specifically to them. and of course by letting you know that you're still an asshole, drunk or not.
once i started stepping away from my old people, places and things, i could finally start rebuilding. letting another self evolve without the input of old voices telling you how you're not who you used to be. for me, it took around 3-5 years to start building new friendships. not very good, i mean i AM an addict. drugs or not. about 7-10 years in, some of my old friends started coming back. either they finally saw me for who i am or i saw them. didn't really matter. some were even cleaning up their own lives. there's always another connection that happens when that's the case. then the next group. all the people who keep telling me how sober they are but they still drink here and there. maybe get high a little. then they precede to tell me how they tried AA but it wasn't for them, etc.
this is being sober.
being sober is also about being broke because of paying your bills instead of buying coke. it's about getting shit done and being upset because you didn't get more done. it's about having to live and deal with the decisions, choices and actions you've made because you no longer have anywhere to hide. it's about being overwhelmingly happy with where you are because you still remember where you were.
i like to reference it to being on the titanic. some of us went down with the ship, some of us got on life boats and made it out and some are still out there in the cold water in the middle of the night. you know, it sucked, it actually fucking sucked to get out of that water and into the lifeboat. all i had to do was admit i was wrong. about everything. ever. i had to hand over my dreams. admit i was a fraud. admit defeat and give up. for a guy who's willing to argue with a guy who has a gun to his face in the middle of the projects, this isn't an easy thing to do. so i walked into the police department and turned myself in for my crimes. this is how important getting sober was for me. i was willing to go to jail for however long and go through whatever just to be away from my life. so when i hear of one of my old cohorts choosing to stay out there and keep insisting they are special. they're unique and don't have to deal with the same system of nature that the rest of us do then yes, better them than me. i've learned too many times. i will not pull you out of the water. but if you make it to the boat, i'll help you in and even give you my seat.
