addiction is addiction is addiction

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  it's been asked (or just plain stated) at times wether all my running and cycling is just transferring my addiction. i always get a little wound up with this and tend to go off a bit but to be honest, "yes." yes, it probably is. i know how i acted when i was as an alcoholic and an addict and i know how i act as a sober endurance athlete. i think i can make my peace with this idea of "just switching addictions."
  one of the differences i've noticed is when hard times and D&A (drugs and alcohol) are combined, i put on a mask. that mask can take a few different forms, wether it's being funny,
the face of an addict
angry, violent, conniving, etc. pretty much anything to cover my fear, shame and whatever lies i'm weaving. take away the D&A and try running or biking anywhere between 5-12 hours and the mask comes off. somewhere in there the true self comes out. wether it's how you handle your body feeling like it's falling apart, hallucinations, how you treat aid station volunteers and fellow competitors, all kinds of shit. i usually have two places i go to during these moments. if i can get to my place of gratitude, then everything is beautiful. i feel the positive energy from others who are happy to be in these amazing places either enjoying views and weather (or sharing in the misery of said weather). i feel connected to friends and family who've since passed while i thank them for everything they've given me and taught me. the other place isn't so positive. i start honing in on every little ache and pain, making justifications on my defeatist attitude. i start playing in my head the little life dramas i might be going through and how i'm gonna deal with them. and by the way, never try to solve life shit while several hours into a run. it doesn't usually play out too well.
  one big difference is the hangover. yeah, i still get hangovers only now it's from a day of adrenaline and endorphins and such. this hangover doesn't leave me irritable and angry. it leaves me relaxed, focused and ready for what life has to offer. good or bad. seems like the more stiff and worn out i feel, the easier i am to get along with. a few years ago when i would make my weekly sunday calls to mom, she didn't even want me to call until i had gotten my five hour sunday morning ride out of the way. even she could see the effect.
  yeah, i'm still an addict. i need my fix and i need it pretty regular. i even have a tolerance that i've built up over the years. i've actually made some attempts to deal with this over the years but to be honest, i don't think i really wanted to fix this.

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