18 YEARS
18 years ago I walked out of jail and started this part of my journey. Since that time there's been lots of side trips, distractions and some all out stalls and breakdowns. The only thing I've managed to hang on to is my sobriety. Or I guess my journey of sobriety. It's an ongoing process and no final destination which throws off a lot of people. When newbies ask me how I "did" it, like there's some magic bullet answer, I have to explain that I didn't "do it." I'm "doing it."
A lot has happened since that morning. I've been "semi"-homeless a couple times, I've been to jail, moved across the country, changed careers/trades, married, divorced, I held my mom as she died, lost jobs, most of my friends and most of my belongings I've accumulated over the years, my kitty of almost 14 years died and the last three years i've rarely had enough cash to make it to my next paycheck. My philosophies on life and death have completely changed and/ or evolved (along with most everything else in my life). That's cool. Some people never change.
I guess that's where I'm lucky. As is with a lot of people, my sobriety date came on the heels of New Year's Day so it made it a little easier to take on as a resolution or goal which is how I tend to operate. Setting goals. I don't do shit randomly. I set goals and make plans then follow through with them with action. I don't expect change without making some changes. ANYTHING! ANY FUCKING CHANGE!
"Friends" make fun of me because I read so many books on self-help and spiritual bullshit. Yeah, I do. I read shit like that because either I'm unhappy with something about myself and want to change it or maybe to improve on aspects of myself that I am happy with. I rarely EVER hit the mark. I do however, get a lot closer. Or sometimes I just discover something new. I'm not the same person I was 18 years ago and I won't be the same person 18 years from now. Nor do I want to be the same person. I've traveled so far from where I started. Both literally and metaphorically. I've had so many amazing, beautiful experiences that would never have happened otherwise. I've had some incredibly heartbreaking ones as well that could have sent my into a complete death spiral in my old life that I've managed to handle...not always so well but manage none the less. And while I don't vilify heroin and cocaine ( I love that shit), it has nothing on the satisfaction I get from drinking a fresh green smoothie. And while at one time hanging with friends drinking, doing blow and solving all the world problems all night was fun, these days, waking up early to make coffee, meditate and run my 5+ miles to work where I do a job I could in no way do with a clouded mind gives me so much more. I can't go back.
Speaking of New Year's Day, changes, goals, all that shit. I can't help but notice every year how so many "friends" make these statements about how they don't "believe" in resolutions (whatever that means). Or how one doesn't need a new calendar to change things in their life or how we should just accept ourselves (and each other) as we are. I call bullshit. I also find it ironic that on New Year's Day so many people wake up with a hangover. How sad is that? We really do have an opportunity to step up to a new "starting line" and give it another solid try but choose to skip it and spend the day on the couch with a headache instead. Sure as fuck not how I spent my 1st day of the new year. While I have ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA or plans about what to do with my "life," I know I have a connection with the universe that I would never have if not for sobriety. And I can never go back.
Sobriety didn't fix everything. It "fixed" very few things, actually. All it really did was lift the fog and remove a lot of dead weight from my life. And I am no longer a slave.
A lot has happened since that morning. I've been "semi"-homeless a couple times, I've been to jail, moved across the country, changed careers/trades, married, divorced, I held my mom as she died, lost jobs, most of my friends and most of my belongings I've accumulated over the years, my kitty of almost 14 years died and the last three years i've rarely had enough cash to make it to my next paycheck. My philosophies on life and death have completely changed and/ or evolved (along with most everything else in my life). That's cool. Some people never change.
I guess that's where I'm lucky. As is with a lot of people, my sobriety date came on the heels of New Year's Day so it made it a little easier to take on as a resolution or goal which is how I tend to operate. Setting goals. I don't do shit randomly. I set goals and make plans then follow through with them with action. I don't expect change without making some changes. ANYTHING! ANY FUCKING CHANGE!
"Friends" make fun of me because I read so many books on self-help and spiritual bullshit. Yeah, I do. I read shit like that because either I'm unhappy with something about myself and want to change it or maybe to improve on aspects of myself that I am happy with. I rarely EVER hit the mark. I do however, get a lot closer. Or sometimes I just discover something new. I'm not the same person I was 18 years ago and I won't be the same person 18 years from now. Nor do I want to be the same person. I've traveled so far from where I started. Both literally and metaphorically. I've had so many amazing, beautiful experiences that would never have happened otherwise. I've had some incredibly heartbreaking ones as well that could have sent my into a complete death spiral in my old life that I've managed to handle...not always so well but manage none the less. And while I don't vilify heroin and cocaine ( I love that shit), it has nothing on the satisfaction I get from drinking a fresh green smoothie. And while at one time hanging with friends drinking, doing blow and solving all the world problems all night was fun, these days, waking up early to make coffee, meditate and run my 5+ miles to work where I do a job I could in no way do with a clouded mind gives me so much more. I can't go back.
Speaking of New Year's Day, changes, goals, all that shit. I can't help but notice every year how so many "friends" make these statements about how they don't "believe" in resolutions (whatever that means). Or how one doesn't need a new calendar to change things in their life or how we should just accept ourselves (and each other) as we are. I call bullshit. I also find it ironic that on New Year's Day so many people wake up with a hangover. How sad is that? We really do have an opportunity to step up to a new "starting line" and give it another solid try but choose to skip it and spend the day on the couch with a headache instead. Sure as fuck not how I spent my 1st day of the new year. While I have ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA or plans about what to do with my "life," I know I have a connection with the universe that I would never have if not for sobriety. And I can never go back.
Sobriety didn't fix everything. It "fixed" very few things, actually. All it really did was lift the fog and remove a lot of dead weight from my life. And I am no longer a slave.
