I don't usually like to drive somewhere to go run or bike. In fact, i actually despise doing that. So much so that I haven't been on a real mountain bike ride in about two years. I much more prefer heading out my front door on the bike or on foot. I'm lucky that I live near some great areas for road cycling with a little bit of scenery and a lot of nice hills for training. And there's a park a couple miles from my apartment with miles and miles of trails to run on. Not so much for mountain biking, though.
Anyway, the last few months have been somewhat stressful and a bit disjointed. I needed to get the hell out of the city. I needed to get some solitude, some sun, and I needed to "feel" something. I needed to get some answers, or at least find the right questions.
I got up friday morning, through my gear in the car, picked up some coffee and headed out to the Deschutes River Trail, about 100 miles east of Portland, OR. It's an old railroad bed that's since been turned into a long dirt trail following the Deschutes River through a canyon/ gorge type setting. I'm not sure how far it goes, I went to around the 11 mile mark before turning around and it still had more. I came out here about 10 years ago and ran to the 6 mile mark and on the way back I found a bloody deer leg. I didn't remember seeing it the first time through but whatever. A few yards down I found the rest of the deer. It was pretty mangled and leaning up against the side of a cliff. Like whatever killed it was going to drag it up there somehow. Yeah, I was a little shaken. Nothing like that this time around, just tons of snakes. I counted nine, all but two were western diamond backs. They were all pretty young, laying across the path to get the most sun. At first I would move them with a stick but after about three or four, I just ran around them.
After awhile I got to such a solid "place." Just me, the sun, the river and the desert. a snake here and there and an old crow who followed me about five miles until he realized I wasn't after his treasure and moved on. A lot of times when I go on these vision runs I go looking for "my death." No, not looking to die. Looking for "my death." That presence I feel right behind my left shoulder but just outside of my peripheral vision. This presence shows up and all a sudden I'm aware of every moment of life that I've lived. All of those moments and experiences that when remembered seemed to have happened one after the other but when felt, are all happening at once and always. All those moments are right now. There is no time and space. Only energy. giving life to everything it touches and travels through. My death walks beside me reminding me of every moment of life, every face I've ever known, reminding me we are time and we are space. Life flows through us and all around us. My death says to me, 'Don't worry, I am not here to take you yet. keep moving.' And then it's gone. There's always so much more than this but I can only hold onto a little at a time so I have to keep going back. And I do. I KEEP GOING BACK.
Every moment that you have lived is happing at once. Everyone that has become a part of you will always be a part of you. everything is everything, right now, always and forever.
